I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
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