He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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