Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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