im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
