just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
