If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
