my phone needs a breathalizer
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
