I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
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