I need help removing her.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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