i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
