The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
