saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize