you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
organizing the empties. That sober.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
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