tell your sister to shave her snatch
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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