Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
