There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
