I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
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