he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
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