Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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