Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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