What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
