Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
