I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
