Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
