I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
