i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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