she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
Randomize
