my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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