And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
