I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize