yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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