Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Randomize
