My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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