just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
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