you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
