I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
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