OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
