So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
