when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
