So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Randomize
