I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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