fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
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