god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
