yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
