I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
