I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Someone signed my nipple.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
