No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Randomize
