I'm so fucking centered right now
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
