Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
