I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
