I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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