Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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