Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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