I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
