Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
