He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
