I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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