Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
