The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
