dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
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