her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
