My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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