idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Randomize
