I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize