I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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