Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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