You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
