her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
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