I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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